Grief is an emotion you cannot get away from. It’s always there in the background ready to pounce when you least expect. You may be able to function with it but something always brings it back up.
Simple things like looking at your spouse’s side of the bed to going shopping. Even watching a movie can bring it back up. To this day I still sleep on my side of our king size bed. I tried everything to make it an easy transition. I went through all our stuff and threw out everything I didn't really need that belonged to Jamie. Sometimes I regret that decision but for me I think it was necessary to move on. I didn't want to have to stare at any of it every day and have more to fuel grief. Best I can describe it is like being in a very deep dark hole seeing a small light at the top but not easily reaching it. Even if you make it out that hole follows you around ready to swallow you at any point. Here I was a single parent, a widower, and a man who had no idea what to do or how to do it. I am going from a life of doing everything as a couple and as two parents to figuring out everything on my own and making decisions for my children on my own. It made me really look at myself as to what my needs were and what the needs of my children were or at least how to fulfill my children's needs on my own. Jamie usually handled the day to day things with the children. Planning when they had school, what to wear, what they had, and making sure they kept to their schedule. But I think because I am doing it all on my own I have gotten closer to my children. Without a job and only living on survivor benefits it was hard especially during the summer when the electric bill went up over $300. I had to ask for help which I never really wanted to do before, Jamie was usually the one that asked for help. I don't know call it a pride thing or something. I am grateful for all those who helped me and one day I will repay the kindness. I constantly think “Who am I?”, if I am not with Jamie. She was my best friend and constant companion. Someone I could go to who would help me figure out things. I have dark things in my past that always seem to come up and she helped me understand and move on. She was my heart's desire and now my heart is filling without an avenue of release. I am a lover and I love hard. Beyond that who am I. I love to write but am I a writer, I love music but do I pursue that, I love games but I cannot sit on my ass and just do that. It’s a constant question for me, "Who am I?" Everyone tells me I am strong and my light will shine, but I still wonder. Jamie and I were pursuing a business in Relationship Coaching since we both studied and Southwest Institute of Healing Arts in Tempe, Arizona. But the entire business was planned with both of us participating and I have had to rearrange everything to be just me. It’s been hard and I often wonder if I can do relationship coaching. But I always get an immediate shout that says I should and I can. So I will. One step at a time, first step was this blog about my loss. I continue to write as evidence with this site. Eventually I want to learn how to play the guitar and piano. I plan on working on myself, I am overweight and in my opinion not a catch when I want to move on. I will join a gym to make the mental image I have for myself a reality. Jamie always said I could look like Dwayne Johnson or Vin Diesel if I wanted to, so why not try. One day I will be able to answer the question, "Who am I?" but for now I will continue to explore who I am.
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AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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