It has almost been 4 years since she died. I thought I had found a balance to dealing with the loss and living life. But the same question keep popping in my head, "What is life without her?" And before you jump to conclusions there is nothing really ominous about the question. It is just an honest question about how to move on.
Who am I without her? I try to live life as I am, but something about it seems off. No matter what I do I cannot fill this gaping hole. I try and act as if my inner thoughts are not in turmoil but I think its starting to affect my life. I am going to try and be vulnerable here, but its hard, I go about my days acting with strength that I am beginning to feel is a fallacy. I feel like I am adrift, lost at sea and there are no oars in sight. I try and stay afloat by paddling with my hands but it is so tiring. In all honesty I dont know who I am without her. I try and start things or plan things and something in me kills the idea or makes up some excuse of postponing it. I try and seek help in things but it seems from my perspective that no one cares and that just feeds my low self esteem. My rational thoughts are that people have lives of their own and I am not reaching out in any meaningful way, but the irrational thoughts are still there. I feel so alone, surrounded by people. I lost the one thing in my life that allowed me to completely relax without judgement. The one thing that allowed me to take off the mask and relax. I feel as if the mask is permanently stuck with no way to remove it. I want to ask for help but really have no idea how or even more importantly how to accept it. I need someone in my life that won't give up despite my constant denial that I need help. She was that for me and much more. I can try and find someone else but I honestly dont know how. My shyness and ineptness gets in the way when it comes to starting relationships or even getting to the point where I am able to start a relationship. With Jamie it was so easy we just both knew what we wanted there was no real discussion, we felt what we felt and that was that. The likely hood of finding something like that again is probably astronomical. Off course the question really is am I able to move on or is it time to do so. I can't help but imagine any relationship I get in and comparing it to what I had. I keep telling my self that I can't do that because any relationship will be a new wonderful thing and can't compare.
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As I move farther along in my journey I am beginning to realize or remember that I have literally never dated anyone. I had a few short term "relationships" in high school but those dont really count.
Jamie and I just knew we wanted to be together and decided to get married so we never dated. Even the 6 months we were engadged I was in Korea. So going into it now at almost 40 I am quite literally lost as to what to do. Being shy when it comes to these things is not helping. Maybe I need a trainer on dating. Not even knowing the first thing to do even approaching someone to go on a date I feel like a fish out of water. As time goes by I can feel more of the loneliness of not being in a relationship. I miss it, I loved being married with the give and take of it all. Jamie was the love of my life and my best friend and I miss having that. That is what I want to find again.
My desire to be in a relationship can be overwhelming at times. My mind makes connections with someone that do not exist, I start thinking how it would be to laugh with the that person, how it would be to just simply talk and hold that person.15 I have friends and family but nothing compares to being in a romantic relationship, being in love is so much more. That moment when you are watching or doing something that turns out to be funny or interesting.and you first reaction is to want to tell someone and laugh with them, but it quickly dawns on you there is no one there. Now that I am working again I am no longer surrounded by the things that keep my mind occupied and allows me temporarily to forget my thought wander.
Up until a year ago I knew I was happy. I am still happy it just all seems uncertain. I drive a lot to and from work and it gives my mind time to think. I started thinking about all the talks Jamie and I had. I came to the realization that I lost the one true person that allowed me to be myself. Someone I trusted 110%. She allowed me to drop all my shields and defenses and truly relax. We were able to talk about my demons without fear. I don't have that outlet any longer and it made me realize that those shields and defenses that keep my demons at bay and protect myself from the world haven't dropped since. It's tiring they have become so natural that I never think about them. It's getting to the point where it's almost as if I can feel those demons pushing against the shields to test the strength. I know I will be fine. I don't think Jamie would have left if I wasn't going to be okay. The journey is just hard. Its strange having to think and make decisions by myself. I am trying to get past this feeling of this strange wide open area in in my mind. Jamie was always there in the back of my mind as I made decisions. I know she is still there but its different. I never really noticed it until now.
When I was married it was all about us even if it only affected me. When I made a decision we made it together and now it seems empty and exciting at the same time. This is the first time as an adult that I have been alone. I got married when I was 22, I was technically adult but I don't really believe your emotional self is set until at least 25. Its interesting making a decision by myself but it feels like I am left hanging without Jamie here. My decisions seem less some how with out her backing them. Its almost like your walking across a large field. When you walk with someone that large field seems small and when you walk alone that same field seems huge. I am trying to get the kids involved when it comes to the household. I am excited as I slowly come to terms with her death, but at the same time I don't want to do this alone. I never expected to have to be alone again. I know my children are with me but they are not adult companionship. I just have to get used to being alone until I find someone who can fill the void and walk that field with me. Each day I get closer to realizing that I need to change. Not change who I am but what I do I guess. Not changing for anyone else but for myself.
What was fine while I was married is not so fine any more. I need to develop different habits, different styles, a different me. It might just be me trying to go back to who I was before I was married, but who was that? Things that were fun before no longer seem as fun. I don't know maybe I am just having random thoughts writing so early in the morning or maybe I am touching on something that takes much more thought. Senior Ball Right before Wedding
Grief is a very strange emotion at least in my case. About 8 months or so after Jamie died the crying had stopped and I was able to function normally. Everything I looked at would not remind me of her and I was able to think about other things. I thought I was ready to try moving on. Just a little background about Jamie and me. We met in High School and no we are not high school sweet hearts. We were slightly beyond Acquaintances and not quite to friends. We both shared a love for choir and theatre and spent most of our time together doing those activities. I liked her at that time though and looking back I think she liked me. We met in 10th or 11th grade when she was new to the school. It wasn't until 12th grade when things started getting a little closer. During a production of Little Shop of Horrors we made a pact, "If neither of us had dates for Senior Ball we would go together. It just so happened that when it came around we didn't have dates so we went together. It was a wonderful night; we went with friends on a double date type of thing. We went to dinner and the dance. After the school year was over I literally left the next day from graduation and went to my college. She stayed for a while and then moved to Arizona. We tried to talk almost every night for a while. I even told her I would leave my school and go to school near her. Of course that didn't happen. At some point we just stopped talking but I never stopped thinking about her. I went all nerdy and even created a website where I professed my love to her (I know Corny right?) It wasn't until I joined the military and was living in Korea that I sent her a letter to the address I last had for her. I wrote this long letter about how I felt and what I wanted to do. I guess fate was with me because the letter was sent to an old address way past the mail forwarding deadline and she still got it. We mailed letter back and forth for a while. I had leave coming for the Christmas holiday and I asked if she wanted to join me for a New Year's Weekend and I would even pay to fly her over and back. She said she would. During that weekend I don't know how it happened but we ended up talking about marriage. Seriously talking about marrying each other. My proposal to her that I think I tried to make up to her during the entire 14 years we were married was "What the hell, let’s do it." Not the best proposal but she said yes. Soon the weekend ended and she went back to Arizona and I went back to Korea. We talked every moment we could after that. She spent the next 6 months planning the wedding without me, but I did what I could. I shipped back home in July of 2000 and we were married July 15th. One week later we were headed to my next duty station: Watertown, New York. For a year and half we lived there and I was gone for about 80% of that. We had our troubles but for a marriage that came from not really dating beforehand it lasted 14 years, with two wonderful children, through sickness and health, and would have continued till the day were grew old and died. I thought I was ready to move on after 8 months; I was wrong. I never really dated before, and some will not believe but I was and still am shy. For some reason when it comes to talking to a girl I am attracted to I clam up. When I found I was attracted to someone after 8 months I psyched myself up to ask her out. She was literally half my age, but I thought if I didn't try when would I? I guess I came on a little strong the day we spent together because I scared the girl as I found out later. Scared her so badly that she had panic attacks. I feel bad about how I made her feel, but I learned something from the entire ordeal. Grief came back to the surface like a geyser. I couldn't control the sobbing, at the beginning I literally spent a day in bed crying, the sky must have been mirroring me because that day in rained all day. The next month was hard I saw her every weekend and the crying would not stop. It made me realize I am not ready. I am not ready both physically and emotionally. So I made the plan to work on myself. It’s a given that I need to lose weight not for what others think but what I think of myself. People may disagree with me but that is okay I do it for me not for anyone else. Will I deny myself if the opportunity arises again? Not likely I'll work myself up to doing it again and hopefully this time I will have learned not to come on so strong. Grief is an emotion you cannot get away from. It’s always there in the background ready to pounce when you least expect. You may be able to function with it but something always brings it back up.
Simple things like looking at your spouse’s side of the bed to going shopping. Even watching a movie can bring it back up. To this day I still sleep on my side of our king size bed. I tried everything to make it an easy transition. I went through all our stuff and threw out everything I didn't really need that belonged to Jamie. Sometimes I regret that decision but for me I think it was necessary to move on. I didn't want to have to stare at any of it every day and have more to fuel grief. Best I can describe it is like being in a very deep dark hole seeing a small light at the top but not easily reaching it. Even if you make it out that hole follows you around ready to swallow you at any point. Here I was a single parent, a widower, and a man who had no idea what to do or how to do it. I am going from a life of doing everything as a couple and as two parents to figuring out everything on my own and making decisions for my children on my own. It made me really look at myself as to what my needs were and what the needs of my children were or at least how to fulfill my children's needs on my own. Jamie usually handled the day to day things with the children. Planning when they had school, what to wear, what they had, and making sure they kept to their schedule. But I think because I am doing it all on my own I have gotten closer to my children. Without a job and only living on survivor benefits it was hard especially during the summer when the electric bill went up over $300. I had to ask for help which I never really wanted to do before, Jamie was usually the one that asked for help. I don't know call it a pride thing or something. I am grateful for all those who helped me and one day I will repay the kindness. I constantly think “Who am I?”, if I am not with Jamie. She was my best friend and constant companion. Someone I could go to who would help me figure out things. I have dark things in my past that always seem to come up and she helped me understand and move on. She was my heart's desire and now my heart is filling without an avenue of release. I am a lover and I love hard. Beyond that who am I. I love to write but am I a writer, I love music but do I pursue that, I love games but I cannot sit on my ass and just do that. It’s a constant question for me, "Who am I?" Everyone tells me I am strong and my light will shine, but I still wonder. Jamie and I were pursuing a business in Relationship Coaching since we both studied and Southwest Institute of Healing Arts in Tempe, Arizona. But the entire business was planned with both of us participating and I have had to rearrange everything to be just me. It’s been hard and I often wonder if I can do relationship coaching. But I always get an immediate shout that says I should and I can. So I will. One step at a time, first step was this blog about my loss. I continue to write as evidence with this site. Eventually I want to learn how to play the guitar and piano. I plan on working on myself, I am overweight and in my opinion not a catch when I want to move on. I will join a gym to make the mental image I have for myself a reality. Jamie always said I could look like Dwayne Johnson or Vin Diesel if I wanted to, so why not try. One day I will be able to answer the question, "Who am I?" but for now I will continue to explore who I am. Before June 2014 I thought I knew about emotions and most of the time I was able to handle anything that was thrown at me. Strong emotions like Anger and Sadness came and went, and then I was able to move on. My wife and I had a rule never go to sleep angry and we never did. We would solve our arguments before sleeping, it led to some late nights but we were better for it. Usually my anger would dissipate quickly and I was able to continue. Sadness came and went, happiness was constant, I never really disliked anyone for very long, and I was able to conquer fear for the most part.
But then on June 2nd 2014 at 2:30 in the afternoon my world literally got turned upside down. Jamie Francis, my wife of 14 years died due to a very fast acting stage 4 neuroendocrine cancer. She had gone into surgery early that week to have the mass removed when they discovered that it was cancer. She never woke up from that surgery. Jamie and I discussed constantly what we would do if we ever got to the point of machines keeping us alive and we both agreed that if there are no chances of recovery pull the plug. She had ulcerative colitis which caused a whole lot of other problems the last few years of her life, one of those being cancer. So we discussed but to be honest I never expected to have to be the one to make the decision. Every time she had an extended hospital stay I never expected and would even balk at going to the hospital. I never wanted to stay with her in the hospital, but would always begrudgingly do it. Even that last time she had to go into the hospital we even slightly argued about me staying with her. She even checked herself out of the hospital but two days later we forced her to go back and they found the mass. When I was called out of work early after her surgery and I was told that the mass was cancer I tried to hold back the tears telling myself she would be fine. I refused to think she wouldn't survive since she always said she would fight the cancer no matter what. She probably would have if she ever woke up from the surgery. We would have made the decision to fight it with everything we had even if there was little to no chance of remission. At first I was told that best case scenario was 2 years and I remember thinking "okay we can fight that." At the very least she would be able to say good bye and go out in style. But that estimate quickly changed to only a few months. I think at that point my spirit was crushed and I was at a loss on what to do. Over a few days the news just got worse. Her kidneys and other organs began to shut down. There was a moment before any of that where I had hope that she would be okay, but I don't know when but I began to tell her it’s okay to leave now that she didn't need to fight anymore. The Decisions on what to do next I had difficulty with. I knew our agreement was to pull the plug if there was no chance of recovery and the machines were the only thing keeping us alive, but I didn't want to or I wanted to make sure it was the right thing. I waited for specialists to give their opinions, I looked at all the tests, and I sought family opinions. But ultimately it was my decision and I made it. Before I made the decision and while I was still debating in my head we had family and friends come say goodbye. My precious children had to see their mommy all hooked up to wires and tubes and told that she may die. They were sad but they handled it like champs I watched as they slowly shut down the machines and removed all the wires. I remember them asking if I wanted them to keep the monitors on and I said no. I didn't want to know when she died by the machines. I was told after a little that I didn't need to stay there for it but I felt it was needed. Now for everyone that has never had to make a decision to pull the plug or have never been around after the decision was made, let me tell you that Hollywood lies about how easy a transition it is. It’s not flipped the switch and they peacefully die at least not for me. For Jamie it took over an hour and a half to die and the whole time she had this horrible loud raspy breathing that sounded like snoring but so much worse. I was told again I didn't need to be there but I toughed it out even though my heart was getting heavy. Finally at 2:30 pm it all stopped and the Nurse came in and said it was done. I walked out of that hospital room in a daze. Even sitting in the waiting room for whatever it was we needed to wait for I was out of it. I could barely make decisions as to what funeral home we wanted to go with. After we left I worried as to what to tell my children. How do you tell your children their mother had died and they would never see her again at least physically? Of course I think I worried about it more that they reacted. Again they handled it like champs. I was proud of my children on how they handled it. Long post but these first few might be long. I have over a year to catch up on. If anyone has questions on how I handled anything in particular let me know and I will answer the best I can. |
AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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