Now that I am working again I am no longer surrounded by the things that keep my mind occupied and allows me temporarily to forget my thought wander.
Up until a year ago I knew I was happy. I am still happy it just all seems uncertain. I drive a lot to and from work and it gives my mind time to think. I started thinking about all the talks Jamie and I had. I came to the realization that I lost the one true person that allowed me to be myself. Someone I trusted 110%. She allowed me to drop all my shields and defenses and truly relax. We were able to talk about my demons without fear. I don't have that outlet any longer and it made me realize that those shields and defenses that keep my demons at bay and protect myself from the world haven't dropped since. It's tiring they have become so natural that I never think about them. It's getting to the point where it's almost as if I can feel those demons pushing against the shields to test the strength. I know I will be fine. I don't think Jamie would have left if I wasn't going to be okay. The journey is just hard.
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AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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