Now that I am working again I am no longer surrounded by the things that keep my mind occupied and allows me temporarily to forget my thought wander.
Up until a year ago I knew I was happy. I am still happy it just all seems uncertain. I drive a lot to and from work and it gives my mind time to think. I started thinking about all the talks Jamie and I had. I came to the realization that I lost the one true person that allowed me to be myself. Someone I trusted 110%. She allowed me to drop all my shields and defenses and truly relax. We were able to talk about my demons without fear. I don't have that outlet any longer and it made me realize that those shields and defenses that keep my demons at bay and protect myself from the world haven't dropped since. It's tiring they have become so natural that I never think about them. It's getting to the point where it's almost as if I can feel those demons pushing against the shields to test the strength. I know I will be fine. I don't think Jamie would have left if I wasn't going to be okay. The journey is just hard.
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Its strange having to think and make decisions by myself. I am trying to get past this feeling of this strange wide open area in in my mind. Jamie was always there in the back of my mind as I made decisions. I know she is still there but its different. I never really noticed it until now.
When I was married it was all about us even if it only affected me. When I made a decision we made it together and now it seems empty and exciting at the same time. This is the first time as an adult that I have been alone. I got married when I was 22, I was technically adult but I don't really believe your emotional self is set until at least 25. Its interesting making a decision by myself but it feels like I am left hanging without Jamie here. My decisions seem less some how with out her backing them. Its almost like your walking across a large field. When you walk with someone that large field seems small and when you walk alone that same field seems huge. I am trying to get the kids involved when it comes to the household. I am excited as I slowly come to terms with her death, but at the same time I don't want to do this alone. I never expected to have to be alone again. I know my children are with me but they are not adult companionship. I just have to get used to being alone until I find someone who can fill the void and walk that field with me. |
AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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