Its strange having to think and make decisions by myself. I am trying to get past this feeling of this strange wide open area in in my mind. Jamie was always there in the back of my mind as I made decisions. I know she is still there but its different. I never really noticed it until now.
When I was married it was all about us even if it only affected me. When I made a decision we made it together and now it seems empty and exciting at the same time. This is the first time as an adult that I have been alone. I got married when I was 22, I was technically adult but I don't really believe your emotional self is set until at least 25. Its interesting making a decision by myself but it feels like I am left hanging without Jamie here. My decisions seem less some how with out her backing them. Its almost like your walking across a large field. When you walk with someone that large field seems small and when you walk alone that same field seems huge. I am trying to get the kids involved when it comes to the household. I am excited as I slowly come to terms with her death, but at the same time I don't want to do this alone. I never expected to have to be alone again. I know my children are with me but they are not adult companionship. I just have to get used to being alone until I find someone who can fill the void and walk that field with me.
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AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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