Senior Ball Right before Wedding
Grief is a very strange emotion at least in my case. About 8 months or so after Jamie died the crying had stopped and I was able to function normally. Everything I looked at would not remind me of her and I was able to think about other things. I thought I was ready to try moving on. Just a little background about Jamie and me. We met in High School and no we are not high school sweet hearts. We were slightly beyond Acquaintances and not quite to friends. We both shared a love for choir and theatre and spent most of our time together doing those activities. I liked her at that time though and looking back I think she liked me. We met in 10th or 11th grade when she was new to the school. It wasn't until 12th grade when things started getting a little closer. During a production of Little Shop of Horrors we made a pact, "If neither of us had dates for Senior Ball we would go together. It just so happened that when it came around we didn't have dates so we went together. It was a wonderful night; we went with friends on a double date type of thing. We went to dinner and the dance. After the school year was over I literally left the next day from graduation and went to my college. She stayed for a while and then moved to Arizona. We tried to talk almost every night for a while. I even told her I would leave my school and go to school near her. Of course that didn't happen. At some point we just stopped talking but I never stopped thinking about her. I went all nerdy and even created a website where I professed my love to her (I know Corny right?) It wasn't until I joined the military and was living in Korea that I sent her a letter to the address I last had for her. I wrote this long letter about how I felt and what I wanted to do. I guess fate was with me because the letter was sent to an old address way past the mail forwarding deadline and she still got it. We mailed letter back and forth for a while. I had leave coming for the Christmas holiday and I asked if she wanted to join me for a New Year's Weekend and I would even pay to fly her over and back. She said she would. During that weekend I don't know how it happened but we ended up talking about marriage. Seriously talking about marrying each other. My proposal to her that I think I tried to make up to her during the entire 14 years we were married was "What the hell, let’s do it." Not the best proposal but she said yes. Soon the weekend ended and she went back to Arizona and I went back to Korea. We talked every moment we could after that. She spent the next 6 months planning the wedding without me, but I did what I could. I shipped back home in July of 2000 and we were married July 15th. One week later we were headed to my next duty station: Watertown, New York. For a year and half we lived there and I was gone for about 80% of that. We had our troubles but for a marriage that came from not really dating beforehand it lasted 14 years, with two wonderful children, through sickness and health, and would have continued till the day were grew old and died. I thought I was ready to move on after 8 months; I was wrong. I never really dated before, and some will not believe but I was and still am shy. For some reason when it comes to talking to a girl I am attracted to I clam up. When I found I was attracted to someone after 8 months I psyched myself up to ask her out. She was literally half my age, but I thought if I didn't try when would I? I guess I came on a little strong the day we spent together because I scared the girl as I found out later. Scared her so badly that she had panic attacks. I feel bad about how I made her feel, but I learned something from the entire ordeal. Grief came back to the surface like a geyser. I couldn't control the sobbing, at the beginning I literally spent a day in bed crying, the sky must have been mirroring me because that day in rained all day. The next month was hard I saw her every weekend and the crying would not stop. It made me realize I am not ready. I am not ready both physically and emotionally. So I made the plan to work on myself. It’s a given that I need to lose weight not for what others think but what I think of myself. People may disagree with me but that is okay I do it for me not for anyone else. Will I deny myself if the opportunity arises again? Not likely I'll work myself up to doing it again and hopefully this time I will have learned not to come on so strong.
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AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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