Before June 2014 I thought I knew about emotions and most of the time I was able to handle anything that was thrown at me. Strong emotions like Anger and Sadness came and went, and then I was able to move on. My wife and I had a rule never go to sleep angry and we never did. We would solve our arguments before sleeping, it led to some late nights but we were better for it. Usually my anger would dissipate quickly and I was able to continue. Sadness came and went, happiness was constant, I never really disliked anyone for very long, and I was able to conquer fear for the most part.
But then on June 2nd 2014 at 2:30 in the afternoon my world literally got turned upside down. Jamie Francis, my wife of 14 years died due to a very fast acting stage 4 neuroendocrine cancer. She had gone into surgery early that week to have the mass removed when they discovered that it was cancer. She never woke up from that surgery. Jamie and I discussed constantly what we would do if we ever got to the point of machines keeping us alive and we both agreed that if there are no chances of recovery pull the plug. She had ulcerative colitis which caused a whole lot of other problems the last few years of her life, one of those being cancer. So we discussed but to be honest I never expected to have to be the one to make the decision. Every time she had an extended hospital stay I never expected and would even balk at going to the hospital. I never wanted to stay with her in the hospital, but would always begrudgingly do it. Even that last time she had to go into the hospital we even slightly argued about me staying with her. She even checked herself out of the hospital but two days later we forced her to go back and they found the mass. When I was called out of work early after her surgery and I was told that the mass was cancer I tried to hold back the tears telling myself she would be fine. I refused to think she wouldn't survive since she always said she would fight the cancer no matter what. She probably would have if she ever woke up from the surgery. We would have made the decision to fight it with everything we had even if there was little to no chance of remission. At first I was told that best case scenario was 2 years and I remember thinking "okay we can fight that." At the very least she would be able to say good bye and go out in style. But that estimate quickly changed to only a few months. I think at that point my spirit was crushed and I was at a loss on what to do. Over a few days the news just got worse. Her kidneys and other organs began to shut down. There was a moment before any of that where I had hope that she would be okay, but I don't know when but I began to tell her it’s okay to leave now that she didn't need to fight anymore. The Decisions on what to do next I had difficulty with. I knew our agreement was to pull the plug if there was no chance of recovery and the machines were the only thing keeping us alive, but I didn't want to or I wanted to make sure it was the right thing. I waited for specialists to give their opinions, I looked at all the tests, and I sought family opinions. But ultimately it was my decision and I made it. Before I made the decision and while I was still debating in my head we had family and friends come say goodbye. My precious children had to see their mommy all hooked up to wires and tubes and told that she may die. They were sad but they handled it like champs I watched as they slowly shut down the machines and removed all the wires. I remember them asking if I wanted them to keep the monitors on and I said no. I didn't want to know when she died by the machines. I was told after a little that I didn't need to stay there for it but I felt it was needed. Now for everyone that has never had to make a decision to pull the plug or have never been around after the decision was made, let me tell you that Hollywood lies about how easy a transition it is. It’s not flipped the switch and they peacefully die at least not for me. For Jamie it took over an hour and a half to die and the whole time she had this horrible loud raspy breathing that sounded like snoring but so much worse. I was told again I didn't need to be there but I toughed it out even though my heart was getting heavy. Finally at 2:30 pm it all stopped and the Nurse came in and said it was done. I walked out of that hospital room in a daze. Even sitting in the waiting room for whatever it was we needed to wait for I was out of it. I could barely make decisions as to what funeral home we wanted to go with. After we left I worried as to what to tell my children. How do you tell your children their mother had died and they would never see her again at least physically? Of course I think I worried about it more that they reacted. Again they handled it like champs. I was proud of my children on how they handled it. Long post but these first few might be long. I have over a year to catch up on. If anyone has questions on how I handled anything in particular let me know and I will answer the best I can.
1 Comment
Lydia
8/22/2015 08:43:26 am
Iam Touched by your story Tim. And iam truly speachless. Loseing the love of your life and still having to survive with two kids. Is a hard one to swallow. Your doing a great job In keeping your head up...thants what Jamie would want. Your words were very healing to me and help me with my loss of mom. I look forward to following your blog and you have inspired me to let certain things go and allowing my heart to heal.
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AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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