It has almost been 4 years since she died. I thought I had found a balance to dealing with the loss and living life. But the same question keep popping in my head, "What is life without her?" And before you jump to conclusions there is nothing really ominous about the question. It is just an honest question about how to move on.
Who am I without her? I try to live life as I am, but something about it seems off. No matter what I do I cannot fill this gaping hole. I try and act as if my inner thoughts are not in turmoil but I think its starting to affect my life. I am going to try and be vulnerable here, but its hard, I go about my days acting with strength that I am beginning to feel is a fallacy. I feel like I am adrift, lost at sea and there are no oars in sight. I try and stay afloat by paddling with my hands but it is so tiring. In all honesty I dont know who I am without her. I try and start things or plan things and something in me kills the idea or makes up some excuse of postponing it. I try and seek help in things but it seems from my perspective that no one cares and that just feeds my low self esteem. My rational thoughts are that people have lives of their own and I am not reaching out in any meaningful way, but the irrational thoughts are still there. I feel so alone, surrounded by people. I lost the one thing in my life that allowed me to completely relax without judgement. The one thing that allowed me to take off the mask and relax. I feel as if the mask is permanently stuck with no way to remove it. I want to ask for help but really have no idea how or even more importantly how to accept it. I need someone in my life that won't give up despite my constant denial that I need help. She was that for me and much more. I can try and find someone else but I honestly dont know how. My shyness and ineptness gets in the way when it comes to starting relationships or even getting to the point where I am able to start a relationship. With Jamie it was so easy we just both knew what we wanted there was no real discussion, we felt what we felt and that was that. The likely hood of finding something like that again is probably astronomical. Off course the question really is am I able to move on or is it time to do so. I can't help but imagine any relationship I get in and comparing it to what I had. I keep telling my self that I can't do that because any relationship will be a new wonderful thing and can't compare.
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AuthorI thought I had it all. I often told my wife if I died tomorrow I would die complete. Then she was gone and my world flipped upside down. I was told a blog is a good thing to have and I should write about what I have been going through. So here it is my attempt at this whole blog thing. Archives
May 2018
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